April 1, 1998

With this sucker, were talking volcanic mixing of the frigid LOX and the hot wort due to the explosive vaporization of the LOX when it's hit with the hot wort.

• Instant wort chilling The sub-cooling nature of the device doesn't just cool the wort like whimpy counterflow and immersion chillers. Noooooo! It uses a super frigid heat sink which cools at a rate absolutely unattainable with other cooling devices. Each pound of LOX (liquid oxygen) will suck 3.542 E 23 Joules from the wort (assuming, of course, adiabatic conditions).
• Instant wort supersaturation with oxygen. Lessor oxygenation techniques rely on puny, low-tech solutions like shaking the fermenter or air diffusers supplied with air or O2 gas.
• Synergistic Design The second law of thermodynamics tells us that when a temperature difference exists between two regions in a closed system, the system will tend to thermodynamic equilibrium as the entropy of the system increases. No , wait a minute... That's wrong- we got confused. It ain't entropy, it's synergy. Dammit, we're always getting entropy and synergy confused! Anyhow, trust us, when the LOX hits the super hot (relative to the LOX temperature...) wort, stuff is gonna move about real fast. The physical reaction is synergistic since it cools as well as oxygenates the wort, i.e., it kills more than one pounds of avian species with only one pound of spheriodical mineral material.
• Fantantistic cold break formation The rapid nature of cooling doesn't just form fluffy cold break like whimpy counterflow chillers generate- we're talking solid chunks here folks that sink like the rocks they are. This is why we say "spheriodical mineral material" above- the MOO COW effective range with this material includes any flying avians below 1,000 ft. or so.
• Sanitation The cryogenic nature of LOX is exploited by this system by giving any little buggers or beasties that even venture near your precious wort in the MOO COW an instant and terminal case of hypothermia.
• It's High-Tech As an aware homebrewer posed at the brink of the next millennium, we know you're seeking high tech enhancements to you brewing processes. The MOO COWs are the first systems available which puts space age, NASA-like LOX technology at the disposal of homebrewers. Do not accept panty-waisted compromised systems like the Phil's Phast Phlow Chiller (P3C) that's rumoured to be in development testing. Like most conventional oxygenation rigs, the P3C uses the same BerzOmatic gaseous O2 cylinder (it's called the POP- "Phil's Oxygen Phlask") like one gets at the hardware store except that the POP will cost ya $27.99 a pop. Like other O2 systems, it includes an air stone and tubing. The wrinkles are the specially designed Phil's Phorm Phitting jacket for the Phlask . Wort chilling via is popping the POP into the freezer (forthcoming Phreezer/Phridge) for cooling then using the Phorm Phitting jacket to keep it cool when it's in use. Also, the special airstone made from the same material as Phil's Phloating Phalse Bottom (P3B). We will give Phil copious credit tho'- the P3B material has a marginal opening size and spacing as a false bottom and is more suitable for use as a airstone. We do hope, however, that the phloating problems are solved or at least alluded to warned of in the P3C instructions tho'.

Just as viewers of Norm's wood whacking PBS show must do, you too must first endure the dreaded Safety Lecture before commencing with the construction of a MOO COW.

• LOX is very cold. Do not stick your finger into it to see just how cold it is. Trust us, if it's liquid, it's plenty cold enough.
• Materials behave differently at cryogenic temps. Remember the o-rings on the ill-fated Challenger? Well, that misadventure was caused by merely nippy (for Florida anyhow) ambient temperature of around 30 degF.
• Oxygen greatly enhances combustion and can cause seeming innocuous materials like the rubber in you tennis shoes rubber to burst forth in flames. How ironic- something so cold giving one a big-time "hot foot". We won't go into the NASA misadventure with an O2 enriched space capsule...
• Wear ya dorky safety glasses. One can't see too well with frozen eyeballs- the MOO COW II beta tester though he had developed instant cataracts during a MOO COW, uh, perturbation.

• Testing has determined the length of the pole used to initiate the MOO COW varies directly with the brewer's timidity. For the average user (e.g. utterly fearless around water/electricity or propane), about 10' will do with MOO COW I. We recommend a much, much longer one for "firing-off" the MOO COW II due to the explosive reaction when one introducing a hot liquid on top of a very, very cold liquid- "boiling" of the LOX is a very weak description. A "rip cord" laid to a substantial bunker are recommended for more timid brewers.
• The spray shield is not optional equipment for the MOO COW II- it serves to retain alot/most/some of the wort in the system after the ball valve is stroked. Note that this is a perforated shield- if it's solid and fastened to the wort container, the useful life of your MOO COW II will be reduced to nanoseconds.
• The ball valve is NOT one you're likely to find at your local Ace Hardware store. It's fabricated of a titanium and (standard Alzheimer disclaimer applies) aluminum alloy and cryogenic second generation o-rings developed for NASA by Challenger contractor, Morton-Thiokol. Accept no substitutes!
• The LOX container is standard issue at you local welding and medical gas supplier. It's basically a Dewar flask- a vessel within a vessel with a vacuum in the annular (not to be confused with anal) space between the two vessels. The vacuum acts as an excellent insulator. Nature abhors a vacuum so she reacts by recoiling in horror. In this case, of course, nature is manifesting herself in the LOX. (Hmmm... We'd better leave the feminine gender used for "nature", her manifestation as something frigid and the logical extrapolation to humans of the female gender alone.)

1. Make sure the system is well oiled. By well oiled, we don't mean the inside of the LOX container. Please refer to the safety lecture above.
2. Fill the LOX container with (DUH!) LOX. Observe all DOT, ICC, ASME, NFPA, OSHA, and Fire Code regulations in transporting, handling or using LOX.
3. Install the LOX container in the MOO COW. Be sure MOO COW I doesn't barf LOX on your tennis shoes!
4. Commence MOO COWing using the system initiation pole. With MOO COW II, a warning announcement is highly recommended. "FIRE IN THE HOLE" is de rigueur in the blasting trade (well, except for the terrorists- warnings are usually counterproductive for them- or so I've read on the net). Somehow "COLD IN THE HOLE" is not very satisfying.