Posted: April 1st, 2000 

This page was triggered by an interesting email (thanks Sheri!) entitled "Beer Holder" that included the following (hmm...) stimulating photo:

Kids and you folks which find big bare breasts offensive, do NOT click on the little picture! ! !

I took a reply as the genesis for the perverse beer related postings I attempt each April 1st  (WRIMS &MooCow)   Soooooo......

I immediately noted (well, after cleaning the droll from the 'puter's keyboard...) that the holder is not suitable for a Heineken. The heat from being nesstled oh so snuggly in the cleavage of the hot babe would quickly over-heat the brew. The oft recommeneded serving temperature for Heineken light lager is 3.07 degC (metric since it's Danish brew- 37.52 degF for us metric Luddenites). The holder depicted is more suitable holding an ale or a stout.

For a lager, a different holder configuration is required. Assuming a physically static system (i.e. no jiggling by the holder or tit tweaking by horny observers), adiabatic conditions, no radiative heat transfer (i.e. a cloudy day at the beach) and, finally, negligible insulation between the cleavage and brew:
q=kAdT²
(For the thermodynamically and math impaired: the rate of heat transfer is directly proporational to the area of heat  transfer and the square of the difference in temperature.)

From this, it can be readily concluded that the heat transfer rate of a cleavage type beer holder can be mitigated by:

1. Decreasing A, and/or
2. Decreasing dT

Design implementation includes:

In consideration of 1. above:

A less well endowed holder would reduce the contact area between cleavage and can. Dismissing the intutively obvious fact that it would be much less aesthetically pleasing to most beer drinkers (heterosexual males), the beer can would fall out of the meager cleavage afforded by a flat-chested holder. Orienting the holder in a prostrate configuration would eliminate this problem as well as presenting the holder in more more pleasing, submissive pose. Obviously, the beer can must be vertical since the horizontal orientation of an opened can would allow the beer to spill all over the holder. OTHO, discounting the increased beer temperature from it's spilling all over the holder's bod, lapping the beer up would make for a much a more enjoyable beer drinking experience for the lapper. It is postulated that this would tend to offset the relative aesthetical disadvantage of this configuration which is noted above. In addition, it would tend to increase most (see 2.a.ii below for exception) holder's enjoyment of the experience.

With a standing flat-chester, the usual fastening method favored by engineers (bailing wire and/or duct tape) have their obvious problems in implementation as does the more advanced fastening solutuion- double-sided tape. Velcro presents several features that warrant further evaluation.

For 2. above: Cursory evaluation of the equation for dT (dT = T_holder - T_beer)leads to the conclusion that dT and hence q may be reduced by:

a. Deceasing T_holder and/or
b. Decreasing T_beer

For a. above: Two methods of T_holder reduction are available (ii. much more so than i.):

i. Using a corpse for a holder. This would not be as nearly as pleasing to most beer drinkers (i.e. those without necrophillic tendencies) and would likely involve legal complications (in most jursidictions anyhow...) which are beyond the scope of this engineering evaluation.

ii. A frigid holder. The obvious problem with this is it would not be nearly as pleasing as the hot babe in the photo and would likely disuade all but the thristest beer drinkers.

In conclusion, experiments to refine the design are definitely warranted; however, being married (to a red-head no less!) makes direct expermientation with a suitable population of holders and holder configurations risky.  However; in spite of the risks involved, I feel that I owe to my fellow beer lovers to assume those risks and proceed immediately with experimentation- assumming, of course, that suitably qualified expermental holder volunteers can be discreetly procurred.

As a means of recruitment, I've proposed to the net wizards that a new newsgroup be created: hot.babe/beer.holder/experiment/volunteer.  It'll go active once the disagreement over if it's an ALT or ar SCI newsgroup is settled...

Reguards,
Seedy

P.S. An exciting corrolary idea is using a hot babe's crotch as a warmer for hot beverages- coffee with a Irish Creme, Russian tea with brandy, no, forget the Russian tea- plain brandy... but, I digress, plus, I'm drooling on the keyboard againnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn